The Street Satire - A 2024 Retrospective
Let's look back at some of the favorite stories from 2024.
First off I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who reads this newsletter. I really appreciate all of you and my appreciation is perfectly captured in this gif by one of my favorite subscribers* of The SSN, Tobias Funke.
This year I started writing weekly and it’s just been a really fun outlet for some silly nonsensical stories. So, without further Adu, here are a few of my favorite totally satire and not at all real business stories from this past year.
Despite what I just said six seconds ago, we’ll start with the story that somewhat came true, as Southwest announced that they’re doing away with their silly seating process a mere three weeks later after this posted…
Southwest’s Jagged Little Pill
Southwest Airlines has adopted a ‘poison pill’ to ward off Elliot Management or any other activist investor from taking too large of a stake in the company. A poison pill is typically designed to discourage an activist from gaining a high percentage of ownership in the company by reducing the company’s share price for purchase once enacted, however, upon further review, it seems that Southwest’s for some reason is a little bit different.
Investor relations for Southwest Airlines has announced that if an investor gets higher than a 12.5% stake in the company, it will *checks notes* change its boarding procedure to a normal, sane process. That’s right, the thing that makes Southwest Southwest would go away, and passengers could just show up to the boarding process without their standard issue mouthpieces and warpaint ready to fight for their seats. (continue reading….)
If you’ve been reading my material long enough you know by now that I just really hate Wells Fargo…
Wells Fargo Stays Committed to Committing Fraud
I wish I loved anything or anyone as much as Wells Fargo loves committing fraud. That’s right, the bandits are back in the news, this time, by defrauding shareholders for holding fake interviews for candidates that they never intended to hire.
The 172-year-old bank, back in 1876, held fake interviews for the supposed vacancy of an extra horse to pull the stagecoach. (continue reading…)
Things were getting pretty serious between us…
Kamala Keeps Texting And It’s Getting Embarrassing
Who’s going to be the next President of the United States? That’s what everyone wants to know. It’s easy to get attached to a candidate, whether it be because of their policies, their hair (looking at you Mitt Romney), or because you simply don’t like the opposition. But what if, instead, that candidate was attached... to you?
Local man Curry Barker reports that Kamala is seemingly lusting over him, texting him day and night and nonstop when he fails to respond right away. These texts have moved beyond a professional relationship of simply asking for a vote, as she gets anxious and “annoying” when he steps away from his phone, demonstrated by (continue reading…)
This one was just fun to write and I think I speak for all of us when I say I miss Tom.
TikTok Tom
TikTok is in trouble. Like, errr, clockwork, the social media site is once again in the news cycle as rumors swirl about it being banned in the United States over privacy concerns due to its China-based parent company, ByteDance. And just when it looked as though all hope would be lost, one unlikely company rose from the ashes like a phoenix to hopefully the day… Myspace.
THE Myspace? Yes, THAT Myspace. Myspace has submitted a bid to acquire TikTok, the platform, the data, the whole shebang (shoutout 2002 William Hung) for $250B, which (continue reading…)
And of course, last week’s about Santa.
Hot Water at the North Pole
Santa Inc.’s HQ up at the North Pole is in an uproar. Reports have surfaced in the past couple of days that Santa Claus did not meet his quota this year, i.e. did not hit all of his houses.
CEO Kris Kringle is scheduled to speak to the media on December 31st, New Year’s Eve, while Investor Relations head Bernard [who was featured in the movie The Santa Clause] has already spoken twice in an effort to do damage control. The main culprit (continue reading…)
None of this news is real, besides of course the news that’s indicated as ‘somehow real news’. Nothing is meant to hurt or harm the companies or individuals mentioned. Again, I repeat, this is all satire.