Kamala Keeps Texting Me and It's Getting Embarassing
She just can't take a hint
Welcome back to the Street Satire Newsletter.
In this week’s letter we dive into presidential candiates texting their voters and Peloton jumps on a much anticipated product release in 2025.
Enjoy.
Nick
Kamala Keeps Texting And It’s Getting Embarrassing
Who’s going to be the next President of the United States? That’s what everyone wants to know. It’s easy to get attached to a candidate, whether it be because of their policies, their hair (looking at you Mitt Romney), or because you simply don’t like the opposition. But what if, instead, that candidate was attached... to you?
Local man Curry Barker reports that Kamala is seemingly lusting over him, texting him day and night and nonstop when he fails to respond right away. These texts have moved beyond a professional relationship of simply asking for a vote, as she gets anxious and “annoying” when he steps away from his phone, demonstrated by the 5+ messages he had received during our ten minute interview from the current Vice President of these United States.
Ms. Harris has gone even started making threats, informing Curry that she is starting a smear campaign against him at ‘school’, which has caused confusion in Curry, 29, as he graduated from his state school seven years ago.
You’re Not Alone
He’s not the only one who’s been receiving an abundance of messages from a presidential candidate, as his roommate, Cooper Tomlinson, has informed The Street Satire that he, too, has received messages from Republican Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump. These message started innocently enough of just asking for a vote and then took a turn when Trump kept asking if Cooper wanted to “make their friendship great again 😉”.
While we haven’t received word that any other candidates have harrassed their consistuents, it is reported that Jill Stein is working on setting up a new phone plan with Consumer Cellular. Elsewhere, current President Joe Biden keeps texting voters in the DC area if they’d like to go with him to get ice cream.
*This entry was written based on the very funny sketch by @thats.a.bad.idea. Follow them on instagram (this is not a paid promotion).
Somehow Real News
“That’s as good as IOUs, sir” - Russia fines Google $20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (read more)
“How do you do, fellow gamers?” - Kamala Harris releases Fortnite map (read more)
Lots of big numbers today - The Air Force overpaid for soap despensers by a modest 8,000% (read more)
I believe that’s an STD, sir - Tucker Carlson claims to have been “physically assaulted” by a demon in his bed (read more)
And yet they’re writing this newsletter perfectly fine - A real life study looked into if a monkey could type out Shakespear and the result is unfortunately no (read more)
Satire Snippets
Huffington Post endorses *checks notes* Jill Stein??? - America’s largest newspapers decide not to endorse candidates for Presidents but Huff Po didn’t get the memo (read more)
Let’s toss some pegs on there too - Peloton stock jumps 10% after reporting they will tape TWO ipads to their bicycles in 2025 (read more)
None of this news is real, besides of course the news that’s indicated as ‘somehow real news’. Nothing is meant to hurt or harm the companies or individuals mentioned. Again, I repeat, this is all satire.