Southwest's Jagged Little Pill
The Street Satire Newsletter.10
Welcome back to the Street Satire Newsletter.
This week, we get into Southwest’s adoption of its poison pill and discuss Fed Chairman Jerome Powell’s begging fetish.
Enjoy.
Southwest’s Jagged Little Pill
Southwest Airlines has adopted a ‘poison pill’ to ward off Elliot Management or any other activist investor from taking too large of a stake in the company. A poison pill is typically designed to discourage an activist from gaining a high percentage of ownership in the company by reducing the company’s share price for purchase once enacted, however, upon further review, it seems that Southwest’s for some reason is a little bit different.
Investor relations for Southwest Airlines has announced that if an investor gets higher than a 12.5% stake in the company, it will *checks notes* change its boarding procedure to a normal, sane process. That’s right, the thing that makes Southwest Southwest would go away, and passengers could just show up to the boarding process without their standard issue mouthpieces and warpaint ready to fight for their seats.
Southwest went on to state that if an investor amasses more than a 30% ownership in the company, it will take that capital and invest a significant portion in its IT infrastructure to ensure that no flight delays occur over holidays such as in years past.
What’s next, Boeing dares that it will assemble its planes properly? Tesla boasts that it will build a truck that looks normal? Chick-fil-A that it will be open on Sundays?
At press time it was announced that Elliot Management had purchased 50% of the airline company and passengers in Southwest boarding lines around the globe rejoiced.
Somehow Not Satire
A Wells Fargo analyst ordered burrito bowls at 75 different Chipotles and discovered massive differences in size (read more)
Anything Else?
The Federal Reserve states that it wants to still cut interest rates this year, but only if you beg, plead, and grovel at its feet, as Jerome Powells goes into way too much detail about his begging kink (read more)
The US economy reports adding 206k jobs in June, with 100% of those being diversity hires for Pride Month (read more)
Tesla gains 27% this week after Musk and company successfully remove any evidence of his SNL appearance from 3 years ago (read more)
