TikTok Tommy
Myspace submits a bid to acquire TikTok, Tesla releases a new car, and Gamestop turns to 'Whispering Bullfrog' as the 'Roaring Kitty' affect dies
TikTok Tom
TikTok is in trouble. Like, errr, clockwork, the social media site is once again in the news cycle as rumors swirl about it being banned in the United States over privacy concerns due to its China-based parent company, ByteDance. And just when it looked as though all hope would be lost, one unlikely company rose from the ashes like a phoenix to hopefully the day… Myspace.
THE Myspace? Yes, THAT Myspace. Myspace has submitted a bid to acquire TikTok, the platform, the data, the whole shebang (shoutout 2002 William Hung) for $250B, which is roughly $50B under its latest valuation. This bid, seemingly from nowhere, immediately raised two questions.
Number one: Why is Myspace “underbidding”? After speaking with founder Tom Anderson, it’s clear that the social media company believes that ByteDance would rather have $250B in its pocket compared to the zero dollars they’d have for the US user base once the clock hits the United States Senate’s set expiration date.
And most important, number two: Where tf did Myspace get $250B? For that answer, Tom was less willing to unveil the cards he was holding. He merely turned to the side and smiled. And while that answer won’t fly with Myspace’s board, shareholders, and the Senate Committee that will most likely be reviewing this deal, it was good enough for me.
Somehow Real News
I… didn’t know you could do that - Indian company YesMadam sends out employee survey asking if employees are stressed, then fires those who answer yes (read more)
Burger King would never - McDonald’s location where the UHC CEO shooter was arrested promptly receives tons of 1-star reviews (read more)
Satire Snippets
Now that’s what I call a fire sale - Tesla selects China and Japan as sample markets for new model that’s $5k cheaper but 3x more likely to combust (read more)
This is like the Kmart knockoff of a Walmart generic toy - Gamestop unveils new ‘everyman mascot’ with “Whispering Bullfrog” to try to give stock a boost (read more)
None of this news is real, besides of course the news that’s indicated as ‘somehow real news’. Nothing is meant to hurt or harm the companies or individuals mentioned. Again, I repeat, this is all satire.