Santa's Sleigh goes Electric and Misses Quota
Santa Claus is on the hot seat and Pfizer alludes to another pandemic
Hot Water at the North Pole
Santa Inc.’s HQ up at the North Pole is in an uproar. Reports have surfaced in the past couple of days that Santa Claus did not meet his quota this year, i.e. did not hit all of his houses.
CEO Kris Kringle is scheduled to speak to the media on December 31st, New Year’s Eve, while Investor Relations head Bernard [who was featured in the movie The Santa Clause] has already spoken twice in an effort to do damage control. The main culprit of the miss was not the product, as the corporation and the elves union were able to cut a deal just after Thanksgiving and churn out production in time for their December 24th deadline.
The catalyst for the miss this year seems to be traced back to Santa Inc.’s recent decision to go green and switch its entire sled fleet, meaning both the main sleigh and the backup, to electric. The looming threat of the EV credits discontinuing once Trump becomes president on January 20th caused the corporation to act in haste, a move that in retrospect appears to have been a mistake.
The Inside Scoop
Santa and his crew wound up purchasing a sleigh modeled off of the new 2024 Lucid Air Grand Touring. While this, err, vehicle, does get the most bang for your buck at 516 miles per charge, it still amounted to having to stop and refuel roughly fifty times while circumnavigating the globe.
Even with these delays, Santa was almost able to pull off the miracle of already existing miracles but unfortunately had to bail on his last 3,000 homes around the Sydney suburbs just as the sun was coming up.
Whether he’ll stick with the EV model next year is anyone’s guess, but it’s also raised questions that maybe, just maybe, after 300+ years at the helm, the North Pole is due for a changing of the guards. It’s expected we’ll find out more not only at the news conference on Tuesday but in the coming weeks and months.
Pfizer Predicts New Pandemic
Pfizer raised some eyebrows Thursday when discussing its 2025 financial projections. The pharmaceutical company expects sales to increase by 42% in 2025, alluding to a sickness on the horizon that would be a major boon for sales.
The announcement, while concerning, could not be more convenient. Sales for the big pharma company were down 12% YOY and down a staggering 58% since the year 2021, which, as we all recall, was the first year that the COVID-19 vaccine became available.
Most hope that their prediction does not come true. If it’s anything like the last one, it would involve massive loss of loved ones, additional pollution and trash from the disposable masks, and intense impacts to many people’s mental health. But if that does come true, at least PFE 0.00%↑ would rise a few percentage points.
Somehow Real News
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Satire Snippets
That should help pay for the home repairs - CEO of Northwest Mutual Peter McCallister receives eye-popping $3M bonus even as sales falter (read more)
None of this news is real, besides of course the news that’s indicated as ‘somehow real news’. Nothing is meant to hurt or harm the companies or individuals mentioned. Again, I repeat, this is all satire.