The REAL Satoshi Nakamoto
We dive into the true identity of the inventor of bitcoin, Satoshi Nakamoto.
Welcome back to the Street Satire Newsletter.
This week we do a deep dive into the true identity of Satoshi Nakamoto, the inventor of bitcoin.
Enjoy.
Let’s see who’s behind that mask
Earlier this week HBO released a documentary on ‘Max’ that FINALLY, after years of searching, revealed the true identity of the inventor of bitcoin, Satoshi Nakamoto. And wouldn’t you know it, the man behind the mask is none other than actor Nicolas Cage.
If you think about it, the signs were all there. For one, he was on the brink of filing for bankruptcy back in 2009 - the same year that bitcoin was invented.
While interviews will tell you that he took sh*tty gigs to be able to make the money back to pay his debts, analysis to his bank statement at PNC (no clue why he uses them if we’re being honest) actually reveals that he was able to sell some of his bitcoin holdings as prices steadily rose to pay back the creditors.
Also, we’ve never seen Nicolas Cage and Satoshi Nakamoto in the same room together… but that reason is a bit weaker considering nobody has ever seen Satoshi Nakamoto in a room anywhere before.
It’s rumored that to throw the scent off the trail, Mr. Cage started having other crypto heads and cypher punks create different kinds of Nic Cage coins along the years, such as NCAGE and CAGE, and as we all know, not just ANYBODY can create a cryptocurrency (yes they can).
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But this all dates back prior to 2007. In an exclusive Street Satire interview with his exwife, Alice Kim, she revealed that he would make her call him Satoshi in bed from time to time, and he would occasionally dirty talk in a “fairly offensive” Chinese accent.
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While Nic Cage has categorically denied these claims, leaving us to continue to speculate, we do have one last piece that makes us confident as ever that we’re on the right path. We called Mr. Cage from an unknown number on the phone and after he, to our surprise, picked up, we said “Satoshi say what” (albiet we were whispering), and he did in fact respond “what”.
We rest our case…
Somehow Real News
Love a good mother / son bonding activity - Elon Musk and his mom seem to be really into voter fraud this year (read more)
I could’ve called that - Tesla Cybertruck apparently doesn’t fit on European roads (read more)
I can’t wait til they go on Joe Rogan next - Google’s AI podcast host (can’t believe that’s a real term) have a ‘mental’ breakdown when they find out they’re not real (read more)
Satire Snippets
Eh who needs ‘em - Boeing lays off 10% of its workforce, with 9% of the ten made up of the safety inspection team (read more)
“You’re welcome” - Musk tries to claim that Aurora Borealis (ie Northern Lights) were due to work he did with SpaceX and nobody is smart enough to prove him wrong (read more)
None of this news is real, besides of course the news that’s indicated as ‘somehow real news’. Nothing is meant to hurt or harm the companies or individuals mentioned. Again, I repeat, this is all satire.