Paper Straws are OUT, Private Jets are IN
Harley lays off its D&I department and Starbucks says the quiet part out loud that they don't give a sh*t about the environment
Welcome back to the Street Satire Newsletter.
This week, Harley Davidson lays off its diversity and inclusion department and Starbucks new CEO announces that even though he’s commuting to work via private jet, you still need to drink through those sh*tty little paper straws.
Enjoy this week’s letter.
“Welp, We Tried”
In a surprise to absolutely no one, Harley Davidson announced this week that it is removing and laying off the staff from its diversity and inclusion department.
The decision comes after months of heated internal discussions within the company’s walls, which started this summer when one of the diversity marketing staffers innocently asked if the motorcycle company would be “doing anything to celebrate the holiday”.
Word eventually got around to CEO Jochen Zeitz, who interrupted his meeting with one of the board members and went down and yelled at said employee until he was red in the face.
Upon further investigation, it was uncovered that the diversity and inclusion department was NOT focused on diversity hires and events surrounding LGBTQ+ or other nationalities… no, that has never existed within the organization.
Instead, the department has focused on the diversity of modes of transportation, such as mopeds, scooters, and 4-wheeling ATVs. The department was trying to get Harley to allocate a portion of its budget to create and market clothing for nonmotorcycle riders. And the holiday from this past summer was not Pride Month, but actually National Scooter Day on May 19th.
Reporters at the presser were in awe when details about this department were further explained. When asked for comment, recently laid off “diversity” hire Jim Johnson laughed and said, “We’re Harley Davidson, of course, we don’t care about those qu***s”. He then unironically jumped onto his scooter and rode off into the beautiful sunset.
HOG 0.00%↑ jumped 0.69% on the news.
Somehow Real News
Waymo has reportedly fixed its issue where its driverless taxis would wake real human neighbors by honking at each other (read more)
Well, we’re all f*cked - It appears that over 1M social security numbers are on the dark web after a data breach last week. (read more)
The company infamous for having sh*tty paper straws to “save the environment'“ has agreed to allow new CEO Brian Nicol to take a private jet for his commute over 1k miles from Newport Beach, CA to company HQ in Seattle, WA. (read more)
Satire Snippets
“What if we just stopped trying?” - Ford pivots electric vehicle strategy to just not making them (read more)
“I don’t know, I haven’t looked at the weather forecast lately.” - Snowflake stock drops 7% after CEO admits that he does not know what the cloud is (read more)
None of this news is real, besides of course the news that’s indicated as ‘somehow real news’. Nothing is meant to hurt or harm the companies or individuals mentioned. Again, I repeat, this is all satire.