I'd hate to see his Performance Review
BlackRock Middle Manager Sparks Fire and Apple looks to hire former Fox News Correspondent
Fire started by rogue BlackRock Middle Manager
The pictures of the California coast around Los Angeles are heartbreaking. So many innocent people, whether they’re a multi millionaire movie star or a lowly single millionaire recording artist, have been forced to evacuate and free their homes for safety. And while the firefighters have been battling to contain the fires, it seems investigators have already figured out the originator for the fire: one rogue BlackRock middle manager.
That’s right, BlackRock’s Richard Donald, manager of a small team in the real estate portfolio, has come clean with being the spark that lit the match that set off the bomb. And he states with wind gusts nearing 90 MPH, it wasn’t difficult.
He simply stood outside in his backyard and held one single lit candle, a perfect metaphor of a vigil for all the future homes that would be lost. The winds then took that spark and the rest is history.
But… why?
His reasoning he says was simple - he wanted to climb the corporate ranks and expand BlackRock’s real estate portfolio, which has been eyeing the California coast for quite some time. With higher real estate prices and increased interest rates, there was simply no way they could gobble up so many homes at market value. And him, being a self devoted “company man”, thought this was a great way to make an impression.
His home, ironically, was the first to go up in flames, as he apparently misread the wind patterns. In addition to his family and friends residencies that neighbor him, BlackRock’s Santa Monica office also caught fire and is still engulfed in flames at the time of writing.
He was forced to come clean in a company call on Friday and the company immediately reported him to the police. While it doesn’t look like he’ll be getting that promotion, as he was immediately fired on the spot, he’ll now have new housing for the foreseeable future at an LA based prison.
BlackRock, in another upsetting display of capitalism, rose 5% on the news.
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~Not Satire~ To donate to California wildfire relief to help impacted victims, click here for the Red Cross or ask Jeeves for another suitable donation site.
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None of this news is real, besides of course the news that’s indicated as ‘somehow real news’. Nothing is meant to hurt or harm the companies or individuals mentioned. Again, I repeat, this is all satire.