McDonald's, DOGE, and Elon Musk
The 'Somehow Real News' is frighteningly real and even the satirical news is coming true this week
McDonald’s Adopts DOGE as its new Restaurant Currency
“Oh, we’re sorry sir, we don’t accept that currency anymore”, says McDonald’s employee Brian Leters, a cashier at their Little Rock, Arkansas location. The customer had tried to hand him United States dollar bills, which unbeknownst to him were recently dropped as the accepted tender of the double arches in favor of cryptocurrency DOGE.
DOGE? THE DOGE? Yes, THAT DOGE. The DOGE that’s been in the news on and off for the past four years, most notably from unfunny tweets by SNL host Elon Musk. It has been on a tear lately, gaining 170% in value over the past one and a half weeks since the election and McDonalds decided to capitalize on the moment.
Instead of seeing prices at a standard $9.50 for a Big Mac, the menu now shows 26.36 DOGE, as the current conversion rate of one DOGE equals $0.36. The prices will be updated on an hourly basis and automatically passed through to the menus indoors and at the drive-thru. And if you’re sitting here wondering, “That seems like a lot of technological advancement for a restaurant that can’t even get its ice cream machines to work”, you’re absolutely correct.
So, how did we get here?
The fast food chain has quietly invested through its R&D department and has sunk $1.5B, err, 4,161,929,198.73 DOGE in this “upgrade”. Will it work? Most likely not, as customers in the initial weekend of this grand reveal have thus far submitted over 150k complaints from across the country.
This move has however garnered some positive traction from aforementioned billionaire Elon Musk, who has reportedly been seen eating at McDonalds, slightly erect, every day for the past week.
Somehow real news:
Apparently, this story is not an entirely made-up scenario from my beautiful head. Nearly 3k dorks who likely live in their parent’s basements have signed this petition on Change.org to get McDonald’s to start accepting DOGE.
Somehow Real News
Committing to the bit - The Onion buys Alex Jones’ old site Infowars at an auction (read more)
Local special needs boy given fake badge and gun in police car ridealong - Elon Musk hired as co-head of government overwatch agency that is unaffiliated with the official government (read more)
I’m convinced that Florida is not real - Floridians want their Governer to choose musician Pitbull to replace Marco Rubio in the US Senate (read more)
Satire Snippets
Somehow more believable than the Pitbull idea - Trump taps McGruff the Crime Dog as Head of National Security (read more)
That otta do it - USPS to raise the price of stamps by $10 to help offset costs (read more)
None of this news is real, besides of course the news that’s indicated as ‘somehow real news’. Nothing is meant to hurt or harm the companies or individuals mentioned. Again, I repeat, this is all satire.