Let’s call it “Twitter”
We have a Double Header this week. Sears gets into Cryptocurrency via its Investment in dogwifhat and Bluesky spins off an app strictly for Hate Speech
Sears Gets Into Cryptocurrency
“Why not us?” Eddie Lampert asks his board of directors with a shrug and sh*t eating grin. The CEO just pitched the premise of Sears, the once mighty retail chain, investing a significant portion of its remaining funds in cryptocurrency.
Lampert told the board about Microstrategy, the B2B Saas provider that’s invested $22B to purchase 386,700 Bitcoin. Sears would follow suit and invest an eye-popping 50% of its balance held at its primary bank, PNC, in one selected token. If it worked, Sears could ride the wave back to relative prominence, but if it failed, it would surely accelerate an end that we, the general public, already know is near.
Of course, like most decisions Sears has made in the past three decades, it’s likely to fail. The good news is that we didn’t need to wait long to find out. Just days after the board meeting, Lampert held a press conference and announced that Sears would invest half of its $200k balance sheet in *checks notes* dogwifhat.
How they landed on this obscure token, the 44th-ranked cryptocurrency by market cap, is beyond anyone’s guess. When asked why the company didn’t just go with bitcoin, Lampert remarked “because we could only buy one of it. Sears proudly owns over 30,700 dogswifhat… dogwifshat… dogwifhats…”
Let’s call it “Twitter”
Bluesky made a major announcement Friday stating that it’s rolling out a 2.0 version of the social media site specifically designed for hate speech. The app, which has risen in popularity over the past year due to Elon’s butchering of X.com, stated that it wanted a home for some of its more, errr, ‘cloudy’ users.
The social media company, citing the election results and prevalence of sites X.com and Truth Social, determined that since the country was leaning more conservative it should capitalize on the opportunity. That and it didn’t want to be lumped in with the soft demographic that just uses Threads and Pinterest.
Consistent with the theme of the new app, its ‘beta’ version is actually branded as the ‘alpha’ version, done to not upset the very strongly opinionated and in-no-way sensitive to-be users of the application.
Like the irony of a goateed tourist wearing a ‘f*ck socialism’ t-shirt at a national park, the company, which invests strictly in eco-friendly and land preservation causes, has received mountains of praise from its hard right user base.
Derek, a 44-year-old mechanic from Bettendorf Iowa, stated “I’m happy that I can go on a social media app filled with other like-minded people. I heard that there were similar thought leaders like myself reluctantly looking at Bluesky, but we didn’t want to use an app with a name that sounded so gay.”
Somehow Real News
More like Came and Went - Kum and Go gas stations unfortunately rebrand to match its merging partner’s name (read more)
I think my brain just broke - Salesforce hires 1k salespeople to sell their AI software that will replace salespeople (read more)
A Thanksgiving week miracle - Microsoft Outlook and Teams conveniently have outages the day before Thanksgiving (read more)
“We fixed the Glitch” - Macy’s delays Q3 earnings due to $154M Employee Fraud (read more)
Satire Snippets
No way… we cranked it on the moon! - Astronauts from Texas and Utah test pornography on the moon with bans looming in their states (read more)
None of this news is real, besides of course the news that’s indicated as ‘somehow real news’. Nothing is meant to hurt or harm the companies or individuals mentioned. Again, I repeat, this is all satire.